If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
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Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.