Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill