My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
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Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Twitter is an abusement park.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.