Nothing to do, you say?
You Might Also Like
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
PARKOUR
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.