*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Not even remotely sorry.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy