If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
those birds must be on payroll
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.