I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
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I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.