3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
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I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah