what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
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Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.