If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
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My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.