Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
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Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
#math
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.