Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
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Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.