The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
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My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Tier 3 meme
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours