You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
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-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.