Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
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Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter