“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
based al yankovic
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.