the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
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There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.