*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
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“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Does it…does it take 3 days
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.