Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
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Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign