My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
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Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog