Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
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Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Perfection.