Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.