When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
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If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.