Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
So the ex texted me
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.