I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
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Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
back to work
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster