him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
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“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro