to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
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Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Generation gap…
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
📽️movie date🎞️
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
My flabber has been gasted.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
❤️🦆