1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
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Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
#SuperBowl
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
This is always good for a laugh.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.