5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
mathematically impossible
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
❤️❤️❤️
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Me too door. Me too.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
road rage
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.