“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
You Might Also Like
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Optional boss fight.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right