If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
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They’re called werewolves.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?