I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
You Might Also Like
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*