My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
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Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.