I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
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Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark