Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
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*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.