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Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.