owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
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Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.