Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
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Spider-cat: No One Home
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Botany good plants lately?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I bet