Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
X-tra spooky blend
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that