No regrets in 2018
You Might Also Like
Shortcut
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?