Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
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How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
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ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting