Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
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Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
when there are deer in the woods
Saturday
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby