Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
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Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
LOL
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome