New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
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Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?