ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary