[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Strange
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.