I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
You Might Also Like
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Can’t stop laughing
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.