For the orator and chef in all of us
You Might Also Like
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup