At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh