Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
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My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message